Newsletter Archive: You Are Exactly Where You Need To Be

**this newsletter was originally emailed and published on June 5, 2025

Dear Reader,

To write this newsletter from a harshly honest place the day before my 45th birthday — well it sort of pains me — but life is pain, ups, met with downs, unexpected turns and slumps. And, honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself aside from write when I feel this way. Sorry to burden your inbox with my brain.

For the last 3 years I have been riding what could be identified as a high. Everything was flowing, my life was moving in the direction of my heart, I finally felt good about my body even though nothing changed but my mind. I went to Mexico, I met new friends, I dared to leave my full time job and got freelance work without so much as blinking. I started practicing yoga and excelled at lightening speed. Things were hot — even if I was celibate. I felt unstoppable and strong, lucky and lovable. Finally.

Today I write to you feeling like less than. Like I’m supposed to be somewhere else or be someone else. And I know that everything is temporary, but I’m tired of things being hard and figuring them out. And then being hard again and figuring them out again. From health concerns to my aging parents; making a plan and then being put on another detour — I’m sick of muttering to myself “you can do this, Tina.”

If God is testing me right now, I’m 44 and 364 days and failing.

Yesterday I was fine and felt a twinge of hope about life, my parents, my boobs and getting back to normal in my life — but today I can’t stop crying. I don’t want to blame my hormones, I want to just say that I’m feeling my feelings and no amount of breathing or yoga is helping me reconnect to myself. No amount of knowing people love me and care for me is helping either. I think screaming or stomping my feet in anger would be way more beneficial and cathartic. Or breaking shit. But, here I am being all civilized and writing instead.

No one talks about how lows and the shit hitting the fan can make you feel desperate — how it can make you regret every choice you’ve ever made. How looking at your father and having the same conversation day in and day out can sink your soul and heart at the same time. I feel tremendously disconnected from living. I even did yoga this morning and then tried to go for a bike ride to break this spell — God wasn’t having it. Halfway down the driveway, the bike tire popped and I went tumbling out into the street — knee busted and bleeding, hands full of pebbles and scrapes.

Seeking some inspiration, I went back inside and read my list of 44 for 44 that I wrote last year. That woman is not here today. But I guess I am where I need to be. I don’t have anything informative or uplifting to say. Maybe I will have something to offer once I’ve gotten more sleep, but no promises. Right now I want to sit in a pool of sadness.

If life is overwhelming you, please tell that bitch that you hate her — then give your worries and fears to God. Pray. That’s all I’ve got. And two short pieces that I recently wrote to alleviate the tiniest bit of heaviness in my chest.

It’s ok to not be ok. I’ll leave you with that and a card Channon Hodge gave me 17 years ago “Writing is nothing more than a guided dream.” I’m sorry and also not — for guiding you through my shit today. Maybe being human and honest is good — because, you know, there’s always room to find lightness another day. You wanna be in the dark? Be in it. Write through the darkness. I support it. But don’t stay too long. I won’t be here long, I promise. I’ll get my shit and feelings together. But for today, I’m exactly where I need to be. 44 and 364 days and failing.

And don’t you dare feel bad for me — life sometimes means feeling like shit about ourselves. I’m just expressing it. And, you know what, I already feel a little better. Tomorrow’s a new day.

With love,
Tina