PERSONAL BLOG

It has officially been two years since I have had sex and one year since I’ve experienced physical touch and even being kissed. My bed has been empty with the exception of me and my decisions How do I feel about this? Well, honestly, some days I feel totally fine. Like a super sexy, energetic, gracefully graying woman who can now stand on her head. And, then, some days I feel as though I’m being tortured by God himself for my past transgressions. Like a semi-chubby yogi who is trying her best to fit in at class, but who constantly makes a spectacle by falling down. Celibacy has been a mixed bag of emotions

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Dear Reader, For the last ten days or so I’ve been somewhat out of commission; nursing a painful case of tendonitis that has slowed me down. A few weeks ago, on my morning walk to yoga, I met an older man, Arturo, who uses a wheelchair because of an accident that caused him to lose one of his legs 10 years ago. I began helping him get to work in the morning, but I’m afraid that between the extra movement, weight and the sloping rocky streets - I took on too much. Seeing others in need always gives me pause and because I have the gift of time while in Oaxaca, I always go to help. I realized a lot this week, and I am grateful for the lesson - even if I can’t walk well at the moment.

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Writing about my faith, my belief in God and a higher power, well, honestly, sometimes feels strange. It feels strange because religious people are often judged and, I know this, because I used to be one of them. I questioned faith, God, the universe and often asked - Why me? Why us? Why my family? But when God showed up in my life, almost 3 years ago, when I was in need of help, I listened. And I have not stopped listening to him since.  For me, having faith and a sense of God’s presence in my life is more about spirituality than it is about subscribing to Catholicism or one religion in particular. Although, yes, I do go to church. And, yes, I am Catholic. And, yes, I also consider stepping on my yoga mat every single day to be just as, if not more, holy than going to church. What I’ve come to realize is that God is around and inside of me. This, alone, gives me daily comfort, as I’ve changed so much about my life.  

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When I was growing up I always wanted more than we could afford, especially when it came to clothing and material items. I was the kid who received all of the hand me downs and my grandmother would sometimes make my clothing because of my size. We used to shop for canned goods and clothes in a local Brooklyn store called Telco. When I needed a special dress, or a new coat, mom would put one on layaway. On payday from the bakery, each week, we would walk to the store and she would take some of her cash and pay a little bit more for my new clothes. After a few trips, I would have the dress or coat. I used to think it was embarrassing when I saw friends get new things instantly. Why did we have to shop on layaway?

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Dear Reader, This week I spent some time typing a July 4th confession that many of you may not agree with, but here goes nothing. July 4th always presented a series of traumas and challenges for me when I was a child and, honestly, I don’t know that I’m too keen on summer BBQ’s to this day because of it. The smell of OFF (mosquitoes loved my sweet chunka-wunka legs and they still do), hot dogs grilling and the chance that I might have to wear a swimsuit in front of family and/or strangers. Squeezing in at a table and having to sit outside but WISHING, WISHING our Brooklyn yard had an air conditioned force field. No such luck.

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After leaving my job in April of 2022 and going to Oaxaca for a vacation I realized that what I created inside of my apartment existed in the real world. It existed in Oaxaca. Admittedly, I didn’t know much about Oaxaca and went on a recommendation from a friend. I went on the trip with no planning, but a hotel room booking and a desire to eventually go to the beach. I took one walk on my second day in the city and encountered plants growing with wild abandon; the same ones I cared for in my home. The murals on the streets even bore a likeness to my very own paintings. The colors of the walls, 90 shades of sherbert and creamy, fruit flavored gelato. I had never seen anything so beautiful.

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At 20 years old I left my home in Brooklyn and moved to a small working farm in Connecticut for 3 months in the Summer of 2001. I arrived in my dad’s 1991 Plymouth Voyager. I was sweating. It was hot. I was excited, but not really. The sentiment, I am sure, of most 20 year olds doing something new for the first time - like temporarily moving to a farm […] 23 years ago today, I began teaching myself how to grocery shop and cook. Life on the farm allowed me to experience a series of many firsts that would become a set of lifelong habits. After hot days, and during the cooler nights, I cooked from taste memory the food of my childhood.

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Dear Reader, Some people want to make love in the club, I, on the other hand, want to eat bread in the tub. You see, I’ve had a long standing love for bath time. And, just last year, I found out that Tina means tub in Latin America. This was equally traumatizing (Tubby Tina - a childhood name) and radically cool (because I love baths). So, as we gather here today, I need to ask you … Have you ever eaten in the bathtub? I have, and I love it. Frankly, I do it for 7 year old Tina - above. 1987 was rough, but my 40’s don’t have to be.

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Dear Reader,

This week I did something groundbreaking. Well, groundbreaking for me. I bought my first pair of Birkenstocks. Ok, I didn’t buy just one pair, I bought two because - well - one for walking and one for ... Everyone needs a toggle strategy when it comes to frequently used items. Look at Carrie and her Manolo Blahnik’s on Sex & the City? I’ve just met my flat and more functional match. I dated someone (many times) who was into fashion and appearances. He wasn’t the first, and there were others along the way. But upon expressing my desire to buy Birkenstocks, Jim said that I should not buy them because “They are ugly.” And you know what?

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Dear Reader, Bodies and minds are strange. Aren’t they? We have them our whole lives yet it seems it can take a lifetime to become familiar with them because they have a peculiar way of overshadowing our heart. Our real center for progress. I’ve been thinking a lot about how important it is to do hard things. Especially things that we’re scared of. But, at this point, I know that we find growth in the space between “I will never” and “I am going to do this.” Discomfort is a sign of growth and if I kept saying never, I wouldn’t have experienced the gratification and learning that has come with yoga and eating cake in peace.

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I am feeling strong mentally and physically, but it’s my heart that has expanded and benefited the most in the last year through having a dedicated yoga practice. That you cannot see in a photo, but it’s something that I feel everyday as I write and look at the world so differently than I used to. I have chosen, now, to show up every day to my life in a new way. The mind and heart, together, allow us to live. And it turns out that we have these temporary bodies not for admiration, perfection, vanity or to be validated by a partner, relationship, or otherwise. We have these bodies as a gift to be treasured and respected while we’re here.

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*This piece was written on June 5th 2024 and was published on June 8th 2024 because I do not have an editor or a team. I am just one woman with a lot of emotions, grammatical errors and long winded sentences to work through.
[…] and while food was and is the heartbeat of our family, emotions have made this relationship even more complicated. Unlike drugs, alcohol, sex or shopping - things we’d much rather live with than live without - we can manage without them. We can give up drugs, alcohol, sex and shopping. Food is a basic need. I can’t give up food, quit eating or feeling - so I have learned, and am still learning, to live in a delicate balance of understanding. I live in a delicate balance for my father, for my well being, for my freedom from food - to simply love it in an unattached way. 

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